“Need me to do anything else?” Luke asked entering the kitchen.
“I hadn’t realized you were still here.” Pen smiled softly, looking up from her cell.
“I just took the last of the garbage bags out, I thought there might be other things I could help with.”
She took a last look around JJ’s kitchen. “Nope, seems like everything is done, thank you.”
She had been politely trying to get rid of him for the past half hour. He had delayed his departure as much as he could. Finding odd tasks to keep himself busy, giving him a plausible reason to hang around.
Luke just didn’t feel right leaving Garcia like that. The fact that she was beyond sad and dispirited was to be expected. They had just buried Will. Helped JJ, Michael and Henry deal with all that had happened recently. The funeral, the ensuing reception, dealing with well wishers and mourners in and out of their house. Assist the various out of town relatives that had needed rides, accommodations. It had been a long few days for each member of the Team. Their own (found) family coming together. Shrouding JJ and the boys tightly so that they wouldn’t have to deal with those minor chores, allowing them to concentrate on coming to terms with their loss.
Though at this juncture, when everything else was almost settled, when the only thing left to do was to actually deal with what ‘going forward’ without someone that had been such a big part of their lives would mean. That’s when the real tough times would begin. Everyone was running out of steam, in need to recharge on their own terms.
Alvez could see Garcia was rapidly nearing a precipice (of hurt). Probably one forced smile away from cracking and breaking under the sheer pressure of trying her hardest to be strong for her best friend and nephews. Though, to her own detriment, she was stubbornly refusing to give in.
Whilst scrutinising her demeanor and words, Alvez noticed the opened app on her phone, her suitcase in a corner.
“I thought you were staying?” He finally asked, startling her.
“Me too-” Her voice wavered, swallowing a sob. “-Boy Wonder is here, JJ’s parents, Aunt Mildred- she’s the one that helped raise Will after his mother’s death. The boys address her as Mawmaw. It didn’t feel right to send her to a hotel, so I gave her my spot here at the house. I will come in everyday, for as long as needed, to help with cooking and various chores.” She sighed. “But with all those people around 24/7, I think Jayj will need every bit of spare time she can carve out to herself.”
When Luke just stared at her slightly confused she continued. “You know, for all their friends and loved ones' good intentions, there are only so many platitudes, so many sorrowful glances one can take in these circumstances- Trust me .”
“Of course, I hadn’t thought of it that way.” Alvez replied, understanding her references.
Unfortunately Garcia was speaking from experience. Not only as a volunteer grief counsellor, but from having to deal with her own personal losses throughout the years. The hardest, when she wasn’t much older than Henry. That comparison, losing a parent at a young age, made Luke even more determined to stay as close to Penelope for as long as he could. “Ok then, if we’re both done, I can give you a ride home.” He offered.
Her finger hovering over the ‘book car now’ option on the app, she gazed in Luke’s expectant eyes. It was always hard to refuse him whenever he looked at her that way. Especially so right then. With all those thoughts, considerations, stocktaking assessments swirling around in her head since she had heard of Will’s passing. “You sure it won’t be a problem?” Pen knew his reply even before she asked the question. However, she needed to be able to tell herself later, she had at least tried to stay away from him.
-Later-
When she was almost positive she might do something she could regret.
-(only if the result of her actions wouldn’t be what she hoped, that was)-
_____________________
“Wanna come in for a coffee?” She posed whilst he parked his vehicle.
Her timid request, made whilst focusing her gaze on anything but him, meant he swiftly accepted.
Luke was already by her side, holding her suitcase, even before she had a chance to step out of his truck.
As they silently walked towards her building she noticed him closing in. He gingerly grabbed her hip with his free hand, his arm holding her tight to him. Leaving Garcia to wonder how he had sensed the exact moment her levees failed.
Emotionally spent, physically exhausted from giving her all, she had finally broken down in a flood of tears a few steps from the privacy of her apartment building.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” She apologised for her inability to hold on until they were inside.
He held her tighter, kissing her temple reassuringly. “It’s ok. You need to let it out.”
“I should’ve been able to hold on, not make a spectacle of myself.” She noted as a few passerbys looked in their direction.
“You held on when it mattered, in front of JJ and the boys. You needed to be strong for them. And you did a marvelous job. Now it’s your turn to grieve. However you need to. My turn to be strong for you.” He promised. Taking the keys from her. Taking over all those menial tasks so that she could finally take some time for herself.
After helping her remove her heels and coat at the entrance, he guided her to the couch so she could sit comfortably. He fetched a tissue box and a glass of water, leaving them within her reach. Luke then stored her suitcase in her bedroom, before making his way back to the kitchen to brew them that beverage she had offered. He rummaged through the various boxes in her breakfast cabinet, opting to make her a soothing chamomile tea with some honey. The mugs on the tray, he then realized she might need some sustenance, too. At the wake, he couldn’t help but notice that, whilst ensuring that a steady supply of food and drinks were available for the mourners, Pen never took a moment to stop and eat herself. Since it was too early to order some dinner, Luke chose an assortment of sweet and savoury snacks instead.
_________________________
With some gentle persuasion, Garcia had at long last allowed herself to relax a little. A good cry and a hot drink later, she was beginning to engage in more protracted conversation with Alvez.
“It was nice to see Spencer again.” He finally ventured to bring up that particular subject. “Just a shame it had to be under these circumstances.”
“Yeah-” She agreed bittersweetly.
“It kind of makes you think-” He posed, leaving the statement to hang in the space between them with a far off look.
He was sipping on the last of his coffee. With Garcia’s nerves settled, he took a moment to let his mind ponder about the past few days. Luke had never been one to overthink (most) matters in his own life. His preference had always been to analyze a particular (life changing) event and deal with it head on. Either learn from it and move on or take action to fix it if required. He was transported back to the most glaring example of the latter. Phil’s murder. Back then, he hadn’t sat still. He did what he thought needed doing to bring the culprit to justice, even if it meant a demotion, eventually the loss of his then girlfriend. Even with hindsight, he still stood by every single choice he had made. Happy to accept every consequence for his actions.
Conversely, the only matter in his life he spent too much time mulling over, was the one involving the woman sitting next to him right then. But that was a whole different thing. A can of worms best kept tightly shut for the time being. His train of thought was interrupted by her unexpected reaction to his words.
“It does indeed.” She said, placing a hand on his cheek to turn his face so she could kiss him.
Startled, he pulled back just enough to part from her lips. His hand on hers firmly holding on to his face. “Ga-r-cia…” He stuttered. Fighting as hard as he could against his urges. “Chica,-” He began again after taking a steadying breath. “This is wrong.”
“Why?” She asked in a disappointed tone.
“Because you’re not in the right headspace. You’re not thinking straight.”
“Yes I am. Never been clearer.” She remonstrated.
He softened his look, pulling her hand off him. Resting it on her knee. Caressing it soothingly. “Chica, come on. This is a gut reaction to your, our loss- seeking comfort-”
Affronted, she pulled her hand from under his. “If this was all it was, I would’ve kissed Green back!” Realizing too late what she was disclosing, she covered her mouth, shutting her eyes tightly. Cursing her flipping brain that couldn’t keep any secrets.
“ What? ” He snarled, jumping up from the couch.
She quickly stood up close to him. Grabbing both his hands, holding as tight as she could. She needed him to listen to her explanation. She certainly didn’t want him to leave. “Earlier this afternoon at JJ’s house. I had a moment of weakness. I needed to take a step back, so I went upstairs to Michael’s room to recenter as it were-” Glad Luke hadn’t tried to shake her hold, she continued. “-Tyler found me crying, we had a brief chat. He must’ve misread the signs because the next thing I knew he was lowering his head to kiss me.” Frack! She was losing him. “Wait!” She tugged at Alvez’s hands to keep him engaged. “His lips barely landed on mine- I shoved him back and told him in no uncertain terms he misconstrued our conversation.”
“You told him ‘in no uncertain terms’ ?” Luke asked unconvinced. He had witnessed PG’s reactions to Green’s overtures almost on a weekly basis. She had kept him at bay, but she had never been firm in her refusal, hence Tyler’s continued efforts in his pursuit of Garcia.
“More like I slapped him-” She shook her head at Luke’s grin. “Not important-”
“Yes, very important.” He tried to object.
“Luke, please-”
“Ok, fine. But that brings me back to my original point.”
“How?” She asked, thoroughly confused.
“Here I am, ready to rush out of here, drive to that asshole’s place. Beat him to a pulp for taking advantage of you in your sorrow. Tell me honestly, even if you initiated it, if I were to kiss you back right now- whilst you are still in a very dark place- would I be any better than him? Would you not hate me tomorrow?”
“No!” She replied assuredly. “Yes, you could say I’m in a dark place, we all are. We’re all going to need time to process this loss. I’m already missing Will so much, it will be a while before I can go back to full blown bright, sunshiny Garcia. But that is not why I kissed you.” She took a minute to calm her nerves.
This was the moment of truth.
Garcia squeezed his hands for extra support, wrapping his comforting arms around her waist. Delighted he didn’t pull back when she placed her hands at the nape of his neck. “I’m already mourning a friend. I don’t want to mourn regrets. And this-” She briefly waved between them. “ You are my biggest regret.” She concluded sincerely, waiting for his reply with bated breath.
“Wow, I’ve been called many things, but ‘biggest regret’ ? I think this stings worse than when you called me ‘frenemy’!” He jested, with a soft smile.
“Newbieee!” She whined at his apparent dismissal of her feelings. “You know full well I meant it in a positive way- not positive but- frack! You see now I’m all discombobulated becau-”
He tightened his hold on her, swooping in for a deep, passionate kiss.
After that long sublime kiss, she stared remorsefully in his eyes. “Not a day goes by that I don’t regret messing up that date. Our chance at happiness.”
“We both messed that up big time.” He stated while she nodded.
“Perhaps…” She faltered slightly, unsure of his wants. “Perhaps it’s not too late for a do over?”
“It’s never too late!” - “Not unless we keep procrastinating, keep letting opportunities pass us by. Personally, I’m done doing that!” He replied confidently. Sealing his statement with a kiss.
Mourning regrets by LilP7
Story Note:
☄️Disclaimer/info/⚠️warnings☄️
⚠️⚠️⚠️
I’ve mentioned there might be spoilers. This only in case someone hasn’t watched/read abt the character’s death happening in S18.
I haven’t watched the series yet, only saw a headline whilst reading the news online. I did not read the article, nor synopsis for the ep- so I actually don’t know what happened.
My current plan is to watch all eps at once or in two batches, cos if I have to b disappointed (Garvez wise) yet again, I’d rather it b on my own terms and pace. Nonetheless, when I saw that headline, this short just wrote itself.
∆∆∆∆∆∆∆
Endnotes: Thanks for reading. Comments and constructive feedback are always welcome.